To: The National Eye Institute.

I really didn''t know who else to ask but my girl friend has cataracts and is making do a creepy thing during sex. She insists if I ejaculate into her eyes that the sperm with eat away her cataracts over time. Is this true? I really do not like doing this. Please let me know.
-Gary 




Reply:



Thank you for your inquiry. The National Eye Institute (NEI), part of the National Institutes of Health, leads the federal government's research on the visual system and eye diseases. NEI supports basic and clinical science programs that result in the development of sight-saving treatments.

A cataract is a clouding of the lens inside the eye that affects vision. Most cataracts are related to aging. Cataracts are very common in older people. By age 80, more than half of all Americans either have a cataract or have had cataract surgery. A cataract can occur in either or both eyes. It cannot spread from one eye to the other. At this time, surgery is the only treatment for cataracts.

For information about cataract, please visit the following websites:

Facts About Cataracts
http://www.nei.nih.gov/health/cataract/cataract_facts.asp

Medline Plus, Cataract
http://medlineplus.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/cataract.html

University of Maryland Medical Center, Cataracts
http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/what_cataracts_000026_1.htm

We hope this information is helpful.

Office of Communication, Health Education, and Public Liaison
National Eye Institute
National Institutes of Health
Bethesda, Maryland 20892-2510
USA 

PRANK LETTER TO MID: They really do supply water, I been lied to, lol!!

My name is, Gary. I am hoping you can settle an argument with my girl friend. Our dog just recently died and it is against the law to bury it in the back yard, so I wanted to flush him down the toilet but Ash (my girl friend) said that was illegal too as it goes to the sewer farm to be made into water to drink again. So I left to get a Pepsi and when I got back she had sent the dog threw the garbage disposal.
So we got into a BIG argument over where that water goes. I insist it goes to the same place as toilet water but she says it goes to the ocean. Who is right?

-Gary




Thank you for your email.  You will need to contact your local water supplier for an answer to your question.   We are the electric company.

Thank you,
Customer Service
Modesto Irrigation District

Mother Cookies
I am kind of amused but also shocked. I would say a quarter of my bag of Circus Animal cookies had male genitals. Um, why? Have some cookies always had this and I am just now noticing? I do not feel kids should be eating this. Please write back. I am very perplexed!!!!

                                                         -Rev. Brooks

REPLY:

Rev. Brooks,

Thank you for contacting us about Mother's® Cookies Circus Animal. We are sorry that your experience with this product was unsatisfactory.

Our goal is to provide consumers with wholesome, high-quality products.  Stringent quality control measures are set for each part of our manufacturing process from the delivery of raw materials through the distribution of packaged foods.

We are concerned when a customer finds a difference of shape or size from the expected. The production process is continuously monitored to assure a quality product.  However, variation in manufacturing equipment and ingredients can occasionally result in a misshapen or irregular pieces. Again, we are sorry that this occurred.

We value the comments you have shared with us and will report them to our Quality Assurance team for follow-up. The information that you provided will help ensure that our products and services continue to meet the highest quality standards.

We hope you will be pleased with your next purchase.

Sincerely,


Nikki Weitnauer
Consumer Affairs Department

Old letter I wrote to Rolling Rock Extra Pale Beer.

Dear Great people at Rolling Rock Extra Pale. There is a horse on the beer bottles, what’s his or her name? My friend says the horse is named Chris and that’s funny because my name is Kris but spelled with a K. I always have a crisp cool Rolling Rock in my hand and when my friends see me walking on the road they say there’s Chris and Kris. From the moment I wake up time to the time I fall asleep I’m drinking Rolling Rock. Please write back with the name of the Horse. I MUST KNOW!!!!

-Kris Masturbate

REPLY:

Hi Kris,

Thanks for taking the time to contact Rolling Rock.  I’m glad to hear that you’re such a true fan of the beer, and I thank you for your undaunted loyalty to our legendary green bottle beer.

To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve never heard any official naming of the horse on the Rolling Rock bottles.  I’ve heard plenty of things about the “33” and the painted labels, but never has anyone told me about a name for the horse.  I do know that there is speculation that the horse appears on the label because it is rumored that he won a hefty amount of money for the Tito brothers, who used their winnings to found the Latrobe brewery that eventually gave birth to Rolling Rock.  But I have no idea if that horse’s name was Chris.

Honestly, if you want to call him Chris, I say go for it.  Or really, go for Kris if you’d like!

Thanks again Kris for writing Rolling Rock.  I hope that you’re able to enjoy your 4^th of July with a cold Rolling Rock by your side.  If you should have any further questions or comments, feel free to send them my way.

Brian

Rolling Rock

Letter to Little Debbie

Little Debbie
My name is Kimmy Taylor, I am 48 years old. I enjoy your products with great joy.  I have a URGENT DILEMMA. My daughter Angela does all my grocery shopping for me over the last 20 years. I can not leave the house because of my weight. As of last night she refuses to purchase any sweets for me because she wants me to loose 400 pounds. She doesn’t understand that a person can not just change to healthy eating OVER NIGHT. I am in trouble! Is there any way PLEASE your company can ship a pallet of cakes and pastries into my home, by my bed. I will hide them behind me so Angela will NOT see them. I will need them delivered between the times of 2pm-5pm as she goes to the GYM to work out so she will not be at home to ruin our plan. I beg you to help me in my struggle against my daughters shopping. I have Visa and MasterCard and will pay any price. PLEASE GET BACK TO ME SOON INCASE YOU CAN NOT DO THIS AND I CAN CONTACT SOMEONE ELSE!

Thank You Thank You Thank You in advance!

-Kimmy Taylor.

REPLY:

Dear Ms. Taylor:

Thank you for your comments concerning LITTLE DEBBIE® products.  We always enjoy hearing from our consumers. It is because of people like you that our products have been such a success.

Your satisfaction is important to us, but unfortunately, we are not set up to ship directly to our consumers. We hope this will not inconvenience you and that you will continue to enjoy LITTLE DEBBIE® products.  If you have further questions, please call us toll free at 1-800-522-4499 or e-mail us again.

In addition, we invite you to visit our website: www.littledebbie.com to search for products in your area using our new product locator. You will find this feature located under the "Products" header and it offers an opportunity to search for store locations up to a 50 mile radius using your zip code.

Sincerely,

MCKEE FOODS CORPORATION

Kathy Chandler
Senior Consumer Care Correspondent

Fish Depression: Second fish expert reply.

Subject	Fish depression
Question	Hi my name is Gary and I own a cat fish named Steve. I think Steve is depressed as he does not swim around much and keeps a blank expression. I took him to the post office and used their scale to weigh him, he weighs a little over 13oz's. The reason I weighed him is I am trying to figure out a ratio of body weight to Prozac ratio. Before I put Steve on a anti depressant I am asking around to some experts like your self about if there is any fish anti depressants made for fish already? If so great! I am going to have to fake depression to my Doctor so I can get Steve meds. -Gary
Answer	Hi, It's fantastic you care so much about your fish. Most catfish that get that size are ether ambush predators or normally nocturnal. I would be he is not depressed, and the medication has the potential to hurt him. I have a few catfish like him, 2 act just like Steve is, and one of my catfish species has even evolved to play dead so its prey comes up to it, and then it eats them. If this is new behavior, it is because catfish can take years to get used to a tank, and this is a sign he's used to it and feels safe in his home. Just some general tips if you don't mind, make sure he has plenty of places to hide during the day, and make sure the light isn't too bright.
	Good Luck and enjoy the hobby!

Letter to: Bass Pro Shops

To: Bass Pro Shops


I was referred to you by, Shanda, from Springfield, MO.
  My name is Gary Duffey, I am writing on behalf of my mentally
handicap brother, Tom. Tom wants to go fishing but has a phobia of
being outside. Will it be possible for Tom to go fishing in one of
your indoor aquarium's? This would be strictly catch and release of
course. He is very well tempered, he really only screams when he is
outside. Let us know if this is ok, I don't want to get Tom's hopes up
for nothing.

-Gary


Reply:


Gary
I am sorry but our fish are for display only. We do feed them every Sat, Sun at 1pm. Cool to watch if you want to bring him down. Thanks and have a great day.

Letter to fish expert about my depressed fish.

Your Question was:

Hi my name is Gary and I own a cat fish named Steve. I think
Steve is depressed as he does not swim around much and keeps
a blank expression. I took him to the post office and used
their scale to weigh him, he weighs a little over 13oz's.
The reason I weighed him is I am trying to figure out a
ratio of body weight to Prozac ratio. Before I put Steve on
a anti depressant I am asking around to some experts like
your self about if there is any fish anti depressants made
for fish already? If so great! I am going to have to fake
depression to my Doctor so I can get Steve meds.

-Gary


Reply:


I'm sorry, I can't help with that.
Expert: Jon G

Letter to Excalibur's lost and found

How long do you keep lost items? Almost 3 years ago I wrote you asking
if your staff had seen the rubix cube I left behind, I almost had it
solved and have had ZERO success with new rubix cubes. I never
received a reply but am hoping it has turned up and hoping even more
that no one has turned the cube. Please let me know so I can move on
with my life.

-Gary


Reply:


Hi Gray this is Nannette with Excalibur's Lost and Found sorry that no
one every got back to you, Me and the other girl haven't been here for
3. years  but we only hold items like that for 15 days than it gets
donated to charity. I am sorry

Letter to Coca Cola

Sent: 8/10/2010 1:36:55 AM To: coca-cola.support@na.ko.com Subject: Coca-Cola Web Form Please change to color of the Coca Cola can's from Red to Yellow as I can not see Red and have been told Yellow is what people see as Red. I found this out when watching a episode of Star Trek The Next Generation, I did not know the crew wore Red. Could you please make a tall can of your products. I was driving drinking a tall can of Coors and thought it be good if Coke made a tall can. Hang on, some one at the door. It was the paper boy wanting his money. My cats like Coke and I would like to thank you for the small cans as that is all they can drink. I love you. -Gary

Thanks for contacting us here at The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Duffey. It's always a pleasure to hear from our loyal consumers. Because of our worldwide visibility, we receive many suggestions from persons and business groups outside our company. As a result, we must be careful when dealing with unsolicited submissions that could be considered intellectual property or proprietary information. For this reason, we've established a website specifically for the purpose of receiving submissions from outside our company. If you'd like to make a suggestion you can visit www.CokeSubmit.com. Our www.CokeSubmit.comwebsite explains our process and lets you submit suggestions that can be considered by the company. Feel free to contact us again if you have further questions. Cameron Industry and Consumer Affairs The Coca-Cola Company

Letter To: Cheeto's 05/19/10

I am proud to say that I have now lost 22 pounds eating only Cheeto's. It took me 14 weeks but here I am just in time for summer. I was VERY sceptically when I read your web interview about this diet and I was sure it would not work. But you guys were right!!! Like you said, if I just push threw the head ake's then I would be fine. My dog did not like the HOT Cheeto's as he was dieting with me so I had to stay with regular. My cloths fit so well!!! Thanks! 





Reply:

Here's our response to your e-mail - RE: Cheetos, Reference #011034005A

Hi Gary,

Thank you so much for sharing such nice comments about Cheetos. It's always a pleasure to hear from our consumers, especially when you tell us how much you enjoy our snacks. Fans like you keep us energized to provide you with the highest quality, best-tasting snacks on the market.

Gary, congratulations on your weight loss, sorry your dog didn't like the hot ones.

Again, we appreciate you writing to us and hope you continue to enjoy great-tasting snacks from Frito-Lay.

Best regards,

Kim
Frito-Lay Consumer Affairs
011034005A

Letter to the Pussycat Ranch 05/10/2010

5/10/2010
Hi. My name is Gary Duffey. I live in California, so kinda a ways away. I’m scouting out a few nice places with ladies as I want to get my younger brother laid. Tom is 32 and still a virgin. He is nice looking, has a good temperament, always very clean. He just has no luck with the ladies. I should point out that Tom does have Down Syndrome but not very sever. Tom is a man of 32 years and deserves to be treated as such.

I am Tom writing to you. I want a woman to do adult bed room things to me and to you. I want to do it in Mozart! I have a picture I drew for you. We can cuddle after with my cat because my cat is fuzzy and I know girls like fuzzy soft. I will like you. I am not shy. I like big boobs and nice. I am win if you please be my friend in a bed. I am nice and soft and happy and I have big arms to hold you in. I am getting old and doctors say I will live to 10 more years. I want to be be with you before I die. I like ladies.

This is Tom’s brother Gary again. I hope we can work something out. I will pay extra if only to see my brother happy. Let me know!


-Gary and Tom 



Reply:


Hello,The best thing for you is to visit our establishment. We have plenty of women to choose from, and I am sure that your brother will find somebody he likes that can fullfill his needs. If you have anymore questions please feel free to e-mail again.Thank you.Renee 


My Reply:


Thank you so much! Tom is jumping up and down with your good news. I have to keep telling him to pull his pants up, lol. We should be heading you way in about 2 weeks. It really depends on how soon work will let me takevacation. Wow, Tom is really excited because I amhavingto tell him to stop yelling, he isliterallyin the middle of thelivingroom with his hands to his sides screaming. Omg he is to funny! We will see you soon. Is it ok to bring his cat, Tom wants to bring his cat to cuddle with the girl afterwards?
-Gary


Reply:


Hi again,No, I am sorry there are no animals allowed, on account that since we have a wide variety of customers and girls that are here. Somebody might have an allergic reaction to cats. Look forward to seeing you, have a great night anda safe trip when you head this way.....Take care,Renee 

Prank Letter To Star Bucks Coffee "GOT FREE COFFEE!!!" :-)

To Star Bucks 03/27/10


Hi. My name is Gary Duffey. I recently went to a Star Bucks here in Modesto and was very surprised at the unprofessional service of the employee’s. I am a President BarackObama impersonator and a spitting image to the President. NO ONE, not any single employee gave me ANY special attention. What if the real President BarackObama was to enter a Star Bucks? Do your employee’s not know who I am? I wish to know what you will do about this as I am out raged. It is a sad day when our own citizens of the United States do not recognize the President of the United States. I wish to have a response as to what shall be done.



Hello Gary,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us.

I am truly sorry that you had such a disappointing visit because of the lack of acknowledgement you received. This is obviously not the experience we want you to have at our stores.

I want you to know that we take your concerns seriously and that I will share this not only with departments here in our corporate office, but also with the manager and district manager of the store to address this. Unfortunately, I am unsure at which Modesto store this happened.If you could please respond to this email with further information about the store location (such as cross streets), this would help us greatly. You might also find it useful to take a look at our store locator athttp://www.starbucks.com/retail/find/default.aspxfor store information to determine what store you were visiting.

I would love to invite you back into our stores for the chance to make up for a visit that you did not enjoy. I've arranged to have somebeverage coupons mailed to you so that your next drink will be on us.

Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to fix something that is wrong.If there are any questions or concerns that I have not been able to address, pleasedon't hesitate tocall us at 800 23-LATTE (235-2883), we are here Monday through Friday from 5:00 AM to 6:00 PM (PST).

Thank you again,

Nicole B.
Customer Relations Representative
Starbucks Coffee Company

Prank Letter to Summer's Eve

Letter to Summer’s Eve 03-27-10

Hi. My name is Gary Duffey. My boy friend is worried so I am writing to you. First there is a reason Summer’s Eve is so popular, I love most of all the products. Ok, so I am a Transsexual and will have gender reassignment surgery in 3 weeks “Yheay me”. Since I am a homosexual and practice in homo sexual activities I like to Douche my anus for a more pleasant sent for my soon to be husband. He is worried that I can get a bad reaction from using douche in my anus. I know a LOT of females that use this in there anus for the same reason I do. They are to chicken to ask you guys so I am writing on behalf of all us girls. Please write back as we will continue to douche our anus until you nice people say we should not.





Dear Gary:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us in regards to Summer’s Eve® Douche products.

Fleet Laboratories has recently introduced to the market an enema developed specifically for Elective Rectal Cleansing. Please visit the websitewww.fleetnaturals.comfor information about the product and where to buy it.

Kindest Regards,

Beth
Summer’s Eve Feminine Care Specialist

Prank Letter to Duct Tape

To Duct Tape Brand Date 03/23/2010
My name is Gary. I had a horrible black head problem caused by a hormone imbalance. For years I tried pads, creams, peels, scrubs, heat, and Dr prescribed acne medication. My 2 year old Mica for what ever reason put duct tape on my face. I pealed it off my face and attached were BLACK HEADS! After that I now rap most of my body weekly in your product and pull almost all the black heads out of my skin. You need to make this know to the public that this product can REMOVE black heads from a persons skin. I feel so handsome thanks to DUCK TAPE. What are the odds of ever seeing a cosmetic Duct Tape for skin? LET ME KNOW as I will buy it! -Gary






Dear Mr. Duffey:

Thank you for taking the time to contact ShurTech Brands with your compliments on our Duck Tape. It's a great feeling when one of our customers takes a moment to write and share their kind thoughts with us.

Please know that I have copied your letter to share with the rest of the ShurTech Brands team responsible for the production and marketing of our quality products.

Again, on behalf of all ShurTech Brands partners, thank you for choosing ShurTech Brands product and brightening our day with such gratifying feedback!

Sincerely,

Consumer Relations Representative
ShurTech Brands, LLC 

Letter I wrote to SC JONSON about RAID bug spray

Letter to SC Johnson Date April 20th 2010

This is a complement on your fantastic Raid product! I love the smell of all the Raid products. I often spray it in the air all around in my house just to get that nice clean smell. Do you think you will just sale the fragrance by it's self one day? Let me know! It takes any smell out of my home. I do not like food smells so after I cook I spray it in my kitchen and it really helps with my dinning. I also keep a can in the bath room to knock down human toilet oder. Can I buy the fragrance from you? Let me know! -Gary




Hi Gary,

Thank you for sharing how much you enjoy Raid®. It's always interesting to hear of the different uses for our products. You can be sure I will let the brand team know you'd like to see some of the fragrances available as Air Fresheners.

While it's great to know you enjoy the scent of Raid®, please keep in mind that we design, formulate and test every product for specific household tasks. That's why we always recommend using products according to their label directions.

For your daily air freshening purposes you may want to try one of our Glade® Aerosol Sprays. Available in a wide variety of fragrances, I'm confident there will be one you enjoy! And so you can give Glade® a try at no cost, I'm mailing a complimentary coupon to the address you provided.

Best regards,

Erica

Consumer Relationship Center
SC Johnson, A Family Company

Letter I wrote to the Purina Dog food Company! HAHAHA!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009 

Hi! I would just like you guys to know that you people at Purina make great products. Since the recession I have little money and have taken to eating Purina brand dog food. At first I was hesitant (because it is for dogs! Woof.) but after a few days I suddenly realized that I FEEL GREAT!!! Now it’s been a few months and I cant begin to tell you how shinny and soft my hair is, my teeth are very white, my nails are healthy looking (had nail fungus before your product) , and my cholesterol has dropped way down along with my blood pressure. I FEEL GREAT!!! Also I was thinking you should try to market to more humans. If people only new how good I feel I think your food would really sale. I do not know how your food is tested for taste (I assume by dogs) but as a human consumer I would be glad to offer my serves as a product tester as I AM with out a job. Please let me know if there are any openings for a position as such. Hope to hear from you soon! To the FANTASTIC people at PURINA a great big THANK YOU! -Gary Duffey Jr



Saturday, June 27, 2009 



Category: Writing and Poetry
Thank you for contacting Nestlé Purina PetCare Company.
We appreciate your interest in our products. However our products have been designed for the nutritional needs of dogs and cats rather than people. While we would not expect any of the ingredients to cause ill effects, we do not recommend it for human consumption.
Again, thank you for visiting our website.